


i keep craving, craving

by codesandhearts



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, But no one knows that, Frottage, M/M, bellamy and miller are bROS, monty is miller's boyfriend from farm station, not even monty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-26
Updated: 2016-01-26
Packaged: 2018-05-16 07:54:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5820337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/codesandhearts/pseuds/codesandhearts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It starts, like it always does, with a lie. </p>
<p>---</p>
<p>He’s got someone from Farm Station he loves. The fact that he’s in the van with him and doesn't know about it is just a matter of technicality.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i keep craving, craving

It starts, like it always does, with a lie.

There are unwanted hands traveling all over his arms, hovering over his shirt, beckoning closer, sweet breath right in front of his. They’re a few steps away from the dropship, he can still see the fires of the camp and people dancing around it but no one pays them attention. Just two kids making out after another night brought by Monty Green’s patented moonshine. His heart is beating fast but doesn’t show it, because he’s Nathan Miller, he’s already been boxed into another assumption that he’s used to stuff like this, that casual sex shouldn’t faze him, and it wouldn’t, normally, but then.

The girl’s lips taste like moonshine and his entire world comes to a halt.

“Stop, stop,” he says, his hands pushing the girl away. He’s drunk, she’s drunk, and he doesn’t want this.

“What’s wrong?” she asks, words slurring.

“I have a boyfriend.”

The girl doesn’t buy it at first. Her eyebrows raise and her hands don’t leave him. “You never mentioned a boyfriend before.”

“He’s, uh, still at the Ark. Farm Station.” He just pulled that one out of his ass. Farm Station is good, no one would know, no one would even think. Fucking brilliant. 

“Not criminals like us, then?”

Miller tries to laugh. “No, no, he’s a good kid. Too good for me.”

Her eyes soften, like she knows the feeling, and slowly pulls away from him. She’s pretty in the moonlight, he never noticed. She kisses him on the cheek and says, “Hope that works out for you.”

She leaves and he’s left alone with a lie over his heart, one he wishes was true. The wish is fleeting, though, as he hears a rustling of trees and Jasper comes out, one hand on a cup of moonshine, the other on Green’s shoulders. He’s singing, albeit horribly, but Green just seems amused by it.

“Miller!” Jordan yells at him, moving his hand around until some of his drink spills. “Come back to the party! Have a drink!”

“You sure there’s any more left? Looks like you drank the lot,” Miller says.

Jordan seems affronted and just says, “Well, fuck you, Miller!” and walks in a huff.

Green looks at him with a sheepish smile, apologizing for his best friend’s behaviour. He steps forward, into Miller’s space, where he can probably see how swollen Miller’s lips are from kissing, and asks, “Sure you don’t wanna come back to the dropship?”

“I’m fine right here, for a while,” Miller says. He always figured him as a lightweight but he’s pretty sure Green has been tipping back multiple drinks the whole evening and he looks more stable than Miller is.

“So am I, then.”

He leans against the tree Miller was making out against and plays with the hem of his jacket. He’s humming, his eyelids are at half-mast and Miller feels something stir inside of him. This tiny boy, with his capable hands and wicked smart brain. He shouldn’t be down here with them, but Miller doesn’t want him up there, either. Too good for them. All of them.

“C’mon.” Miller wraps a shoulder around him and leads him back to the dropship.

 

The lie gets to Bellamy because of course it does. He’s their king, all words run around until they come back to him.

Miller doesn’t notice at first. It’s just Bellamy being respectful, making sure none of the kids bother Miller with advances that clearly make him uncomfortable but, after they lose communications with the Ark, Bellamy finds him in a rare moment of reflection. He doesn’t know what he’s thinking about, maybe it’s about the souls up there that are just constellations or about never finding a way to apologize to his father.

“Miller,” Bellamy says, “you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Listen.” Bellamy looks pained, looks like he’d rather not be saying this, but it’s Bellamy. Everyone knows by now how much he loves them. “I know you got people up there.”

Miller shrugs. “I’m not hoping for much. It’s a slim chance.”

“They could still be fine,” Bellamy says. “Your dad, and your guy.”

My guy. Right. He has a guy up there, an imaginary hand to hold and mouth to kiss. He’s supposed to be missing someone.

He wants to tell Bellamy he doesn’t have a good guy from Farm Station waiting for him, that it was all a lie to keep others at arm’s length, to protect himself from getting too close to anyone that might die, because anyone could. The girl he was kissing that night became a grave to dig. He looks at Bellamy and wants to tell him everything but everyone is raw, everyone’s wounds are open for anyone to see and Miller wants this. This imagined soul, far away, to keep him steady.

It’s selfish and wrong but Miller answers, “Yeah, I hope they are, too.”

 

There’s space in Mount Weather, more than he’s ever experienced. Spacious rooms and bunk beds, large dining halls and unending corridors but Miller can’t escape the feeling that they’re actually trying to suffocate them. Shove words down their throats that are ultimately lies and pull them away from rooms not meant for their eyes. He feels like he can’t breathe, lies and propaganda surrounding him whenever he tries.

The first time he feels like he can, Monty Green is pressed against him, telling him he’s a great thief. It’s a weird moment to find freedom but the lights are low and it’s just the two of them. Monty speaks soft and gentle, touches with consideration, as if he’s scared he might push Miller away; and is so fucking smart. It surprises Miller, it makes him _want_.

They talk more and more, into the night when the rest of their friends are asleep, and Monty keeps his touches constant but kind. He learns things about him, about how Monty doesn’t like carrots and never touches them when it’s served at the dining hall, how he’s tactile and holds hands with anyone who will have him, the way he hums something his parents used to sing to him when he was little, the fact that he’s from Farm Station.

The more they talk, the more he learns, Miller is overcome with wishes, mostly about how he wishes he knew Monty then, up in the Ark, before the Skybox and being banished to the ground, before war and battle wounds. _He could’ve been mine_ , Miller keeps thinking. They could’ve snuck around the hallways of the Ark and kissed under low lights, kept it secret from his dad and held hands under the dining table. He wishes he knew Monty when his hands were used for mere brilliance instead of survival, he wishes Monty knew him before he was brute force in harsh climates. But he wasn’t that much of a person before, either. Maybe he should just wish for Monty for someone who deserves him. Not him, not Nathan Miller, with rough hands and anger always boiling under his skin. Monty is too beautiful and bright for him.

Mount Weather is a tragic place to fall in love.

 

It’s not like he minds but he always thought that once they were out of the mountain, out of clear and immediate danger, Monty would leave him be. Choose Harper over him, or Raven, or Bellamy, or the countless others who love him unconditionally, but Monty sticks to him. He takes up space in Miller’s life and he is so grateful for it. He craves for more, wants to grab out and touch, until he remembers Monty isn’t his, he shouldn’t be.

So he breathes Monty in and sees him with his bed-head in the mornings, which does strange things to his heart. 

Camp Jaha, later Arkadia, doesn’t feel like home and Miller tries not to let that get to him. A few months ago, wrapped up in irrational anger and teenaged decisions, he would’ve ran away, away from old Ark customs and restrictions but he sees Bellamy talking to his dad at the gate, remembers Monty’s smile. There are a couple of good reasons to stay now.

Monty and Miller live in rooms in the skeletons of the old Ark so they visit each other quite a bit. Most of the time, it’s just Miller making sure Monty eats regularly. He gets caught up in his projects and loses track of time. When he enters the room, there’s music playing.

“Hey,” Monty says, seeing him from his bed.

“Hey. You steal the music player from Jasper?”

“He monopolizes the thing, he had it coming.”

Miller laughs, putting food on Monty’s desk.

“C’mere,” Monty says, soft, and pats the space on the bed next to him. It feels like dangerous territory but Miller’s weak.

Monty scoots over and has his shoulder against Miller’s in no time. He taps his fingers on his sides, to the beat of the music, and hums. They don’t talk and that’s never a problem but, this time, Miller feels the silence, thinks something should replace it. It’s probably to distract him. If it’s too quiet for too long, Miller thinks too hard, about Monty in particular. This boy next to him is a wonder and he doesn’t even know why. A miracle wrapped inside a skinny boy, intricacies of hope woven in his veins because that’s what Monty is. More than a boy he wants to kiss until his lips are red with it, Monty Green gives him hope.

“What’re you thinking about?” Monty asks.

And Monty makes him so fragile, especially so close like this. “You.”

 “Good things?”

“Always.”

Monty smiles, lips pink and sweet, and it’s blinding.

Miller could kiss him here. It would be so easy.

 

“Screw protocol,” Bellamy says and Miller remembers why he’s called king. “The Chancellor’s not from Farm Station. Monty is. So’s Miller’s boyfriend.”

There’s a beat there, whenever the lie comes up, but it doesn’t feel so much like a lie anymore. He’s got someone from Farm Station he loves. The fact that he’s in the van with him is just a matter of technicality. Monty’s parents were still at Farm Station when they crashed and he knows how much they mean to Monty. His jaw sets, already knowing he’d burn the world to see Monty smile.

 

Monty comes home bloody. It’s the worst thing Miller’s seen in months.

He doesn’t leave medical for days so Miller doesn’t, either. Monty’s unconscious and it’s the only time he can hold Monty without feeling like an asshole for it. The Chancellor says he’ll be fine, he just needs a couple days of rest.

Bellamy calls him to duty and he has to go, even if it’s tempting to stay.

“You gotta wake up, kid,” Miller says. “Camp’s not the same without you around.” _I’m not the same_.

He leans down and is only brave the one time. He kisses Monty, as he sleeps, because that’s the only thing he should be allowed. He wants Monty to love him here, love him everywhere. Miller already does.

 

It's a hard hunting trip and all Miller wants to do when he sees the gates of Arkadia is find his room and lie face-down for a ten hour sleep. At least. 

He gets to the finding his room part but there's already someone on his bed. 

"You're awake," Miller says, trying not to sound as elated as he is. Monty doesn't seem as happy to see him, though, his arms crossed and his eyebrows knitted together. Miller dumps his stuff on the floor and takes off his jacket. "Something wrong, buddy?" 

"You."

"What?"

Monty starts pacing, left and right. "Look, I don't wanna ruin anything. You were dumb and stupid and I was, well, I was unconscious so I don't get a say but I get a say now. I don't wanna get between anyone, no matter how much I want to because, shit, I want to, I want to." He's close to him now, looking at his lips, and it's so distracting Miller honestly doesn't give a fuck about what Monty said for a solid minute. 

"Wait, what?" 

"You kissed me, when I was in medical," Monty explains. "Raven saw." 

"Oh, shit."

"Yeah, oh, shit." Monty throws his hands up in the air, apparently aggravated at the situation. "You have a boyfriend, Nate, he's there somewhere and anyone with eyes can see you're in love with someone. I don't know why you kissed me but it was a mistake. You're...you're someone else's."

Oh. 

That's why it's a problem. Not because Monty didn't want the kiss (I want to, I want to) but because he thinks Miller's already spoken for. 

_Oh_. 

"I'm not," Miller says into the dark room. 

"But everyone knows you have a boyfriend."

"I lied. It was dumb but it was a lie." 

Now it's Monty's turn to say, "What?"

"It's not so much of a lie now, though. I do love someone who was from Farm Station but he was always," Miller inches closer, "here." 

Monty looks down on his hands then up again, eyes big. "So I'm..?"

"It's you. Always has been." 

"And you couldn't have just _told_ me?" 

Miller laughs, hands coming up to Monty's sides. It's thrilling, knowing Monty Green wants him back, it's making him brave, it's making him snake his hands under Monty's shirt where it's just skin and warm and good. It makes him lean forward and pull Monty close to him, kissing him. Monty doesn't immediately respond but then he opens his mouth and moans. It's hands down the best thing he's ever heard in his life. Which is what he thinks until his lips start sucking bruises into Monty's neck and the kid groans, bucking up against him, where Miller can feel that he's already half-hard.

Monty's so easy, so pliant, so good. His fingers dig into Miller's back and pulls him back to kiss him on the mouth. Monty's not experienced at this at all but he's a quick study and kisses back, eager. 

Miller's back hits the wall and Monty grinds down. Somewhere in the back of his head, he knows this is a bad idea, but he's got Monty on him, kissing him, rutting against where he's fully hard now. Monty finds the right rhythm and his mouth goes slack, red and open, and, shit, this is not going to last long. His hands seem to be all over Miller, under his shirt, cupping his ass, tugging on his short hair. There's a bit of pain there, where Monty's nails are deep and his teeth bite over Miller's bottom lip and it's so good. 

"Fuck, fuck," Miller curses when Monty kisses his jaw and grinds down painfully hard. 

"Love you," Monty says and Miller's just gone. Blown out into the stratosphere. 

He only vaguely registers Monty coming, too, feels him still. When Miller gains enough composure, Monty's eyes are huge and his mouth is swollen, his hair mussed up and there's a red mark on his neck. It is the most divine sight Miller has ever experienced. He's pretty sure he has a religious experience, just from seeing Monty post-orgasm. 

"Fuck," Monty leans his forehead against his. "I'd just like to announce I didn't plan that."

Miller laughs, weak, still caught in the last waves of his orgasm. "If you did, we probably would've made it on the bed."

"Next time, then."

"Next time." Miller kisses him, sweet. _Love you, too._  "Which could be in another ten minutes, if you'd like."

"Oh, I'd very much like."

He's so good. Miller probably still doesn't deserve him but, as Monty leads him towards the bed, he's going to sure as hell try. 

 

They walk out together, hickeys on their necks and hands wrapped around each other. 

Everyone is pleasantly surprised. 

Even Bellamy. Although he does yell, "How did I miss this?" very loudly. 

 


End file.
